


Torchwood Bad Poetry Week

by SerialObsessor (ibelieveinturtles)



Series: It Could Become a Saga [8]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Bad Poetry, Forgive Me, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-23 23:41:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7484517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibelieveinturtles/pseuds/SerialObsessor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Behold Janet, she is a Weevil,<br/>With beady eyes that are so evil.<br/>Long sharp teeth and pointy claws,<br/>She has no reason to wear drawers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torchwood Bad Poetry Week

**Author's Note:**

> Exactly what it says on the box

Captain Jack is tall and brooding,  
Owen Harper’s small and moody.  
Ianto Jones looks good in a suit,  
Sweet Toshiko’s smart and cute.  
Gwen’s always ready to join in the fight,  
But Suzie’s dead and locked up tight.  
This is Team Torchwood, daring and brave!  
But don’t mention sex! They’ll never behave!

 

~x~x~

 

Oh! Torchwood!!  
Defender of the weak!  
Protector of the innocent!  
Destroyer of alien threats and menaces!  
Recklessly driving in your black SUV,  
Leaving mayhem and confusion in your wake.  
Cloaked in secrecy…  
Walking in shadows…  
Oh Torchwood.

 

~x~x~

 

Behold Janet, she is a Weevil,  
With beady eyes that are so evil.  
Long sharp teeth and pointy claws,  
She has no reason to wear drawers.

 

~x~x~

 

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,  
Get Ianto with your… stick.  
Hold your breath and count to ten,  
Next time you’ll be getting Gwen.  
Stop that beanstalk from a-growin,  
Or you’ll never catch an Owen.  
Oh! My! Golly Gosh!  
Last but not least you’ve got Tosh!

 

~x~x~

 

(MUST be sung to the tune of Spiderman) 

Captain Jack, Captain Jack,  
When he dies he just comes back.  
He can stand, on the roof,  
Of aliens he’s got lots of proof,  
Look out! Here comes our Captain Jack!

Captain Jack, Captain Jack,  
He just wants you in the sack.  
He’s got tricks you’ve never seen,  
And I bet you’re really keen  
To see… how good is Captain Jack.

Captain Jack, Captain Jack,  
He’s got Gwen to watch his back.  
Ianto, Tosh and Owen too,  
They’re so much better than SVU.  
Torchwood!! Belongs to Captain Jack.

Captain Jack, Captain Jack.  
He’s a flirt and that’s a fact.  
He fucks them north and fucks them south,  
He fucks them til he hears them shout.  
Oh, oh, oh, OH!! Captain Jack.

 

~x~x~

 

(And this is to the tune of ‘What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor’)

 

Oh, what shall we do with Captain Jack?  
What shall we do with Captain Jack?  
What shall we do with Captain Jack?  
He just won’t stay dead!

He was exterminated by Daleks,  
He was exterminated by Daleks,  
He was exterminated by Daleks.  
But then Rose brought him back.

Suzie shot him in the head,  
Suzie shot him in the head,  
Suzie shot him in the head.  
But he just stood back up.

Cyberwoman tried to delete him,  
Cyberwoman tried to delete him,  
Cyberwoman tried to delete him.  
That didn’t work either.

Abadon sucked all life from him,  
Abadon sucked all life from him,  
Abadon sucked all life from him.  
Gwen gave him the kiss of life.

His old friend John pushed him off the roof,  
Old friend John pushed him off the roof,  
Old friend John pushed him off the roof.  
Oh look! He’s back again!

Oh, what shall we do with Captain Jack?  
What shall we do with Captain Jack?  
What shall we do with Captain Jack?  
He just won’t stay dead!

 

~x~x~

 

This one is the Aussie convict ballad ‘Botany Bay’ (oh, and the parts in italics don’t belong in the song, I just wanted to put them there)

 

There once was a young man named Ianto  
He looked pretty good in a suit  
He lost his poor girlfriend named Lisa  
When the cybermen took her for themselves  
(and now he’s shagging the bloke who shot her… what the)

Chorus

Singing toorali oorali addity,  
Singing tooralie ooriali ay!  
Singing toorali oorali addity,  
Let’s all join Torchwood today!

Now Owen’s a very skilled doctor  
But hopeless at romance you see  
Loved Dianne the sexy time traveller  
But she loved her plane more than he.  
(It does seem to have made him a nice person though… eventually)

Chorus

Then you’ve got Tosh the Black Widow  
All of her loves end up dead!  
We hope that one day she’ll find happiness  
But her chances don’t look seem all that good.  
(and I think that says it really, don’t you?)

Chorus

Gwen Cooper has signed up in secret  
She didn’t tell Rhys the whole truth!  
But he finally found out what her job is,  
And though he worries he thinks it’s quite neat.  
(and he looks at stars differently now too!)

Chorus

Captain Jack is an enigma,  
The ultimate man of mystery.  
There are so many secrets that he keeps,  
And his team rants so frustratedly  
(cos they *really* want to know more about him!)

Chorus

These are the members of Torchwood,  
The smart and the strong and the brave.  
Torchwood will protect us forever,  
As weekly the world they will save.  
(even if it is their own fault it’s in danger half the time!)

 

~x~x~

 

Oh Torchwood holds a special place,  
In Earthly his-tor-ee.  
It’s saved the world a dozen times,  
And more to come, you’ll see!

Of course, we must ignore the fact,  
That it’s usually their fault.  
That it even needed to be saved,  
Because they opened the vault!

 

~x~x~

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the Torchwood Weekly Writing Challenge at http://torchwoodaustralia.com/forum under the name Obsessed, in 2008.
> 
> All the fics I'll be putting up are also on FanFiction.net but are no longer archived at the TWA.


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